NEW EMPLOYMENT RULES
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If youare able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need allyour organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired youintact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturdayand Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees toattend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement isnecessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We willbe glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leaveone hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks ‘notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we willfollow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance:Allemployees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employeeswhose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you areunable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until thenext day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees mayswap their time with a co-worker. Both workers’ supervisors must approvethis exchange in writing.In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets.Atthe end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract,and the door will open..
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they canlook healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain theiraverage figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all thetime needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary.If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doingwell financially and therefore do not need a pay rise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positiveemployment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should bedirected elsewhere. Have a nice day HR PS – please charge the time spent reading this email to ANNUAL LEAVE.